Fighting Tofu (or: eating my words.)

[myaru]

There are things in life (usually on the internet, in this case, but sometimes in print) that kick on my reflexive do not want filters, for example: motivational speaking, extreme optimism, holier-than-thou tone, unasked-for advice. I am extremely resistant to the concept of talking oneself into positivity - telling yourself the world is wonderful, that you are a wonderful person, that you can do it, that you believe in yourself. It isn't that I object to the idea of believing in myself, but rather that I think the above technique isn't reliable and generates false confidence. I find this particularly grating in the New Age reading some members of my family do, because it isn't about solving one's problems, reflecting, planning - it's about "opening yourself to the power of the universe" and then sitting and waiting for good things to happen.

This is relevant, because when I'm confronted with, say, a motivational essay related to writing, I immediately associate it with somebody's New Age pep talk and dig my heels in. For the record, I'm not dissing new age stuff... much. Maybe I've seen the wrong examples, that's all. And unfortunately, I developed a deeply-rooted, violent knee-jerk reaction to it. I apologize if the comparison offends anyone.

Years ago a friend of a friend suggested Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones for my writing blocks. It just so happened Zach had a copy, but the moment he told me it wasn't instruction, so much as motivational talk for getting the words down, I gave up on the idea completely and didn't look back until a couple of months ago, when a writer friend of mine suggested the same book and went into more detail with her description. Her testimony was more convincing than just a recommendation; the idea of filling a spiral notebook a month with whatever comes out of your brain isn't a new idea to me, as we were told to do something similar in every writing class I've ever taken, but seeing how much it helped her made me want to look at the material that instructed her to take that step. So I'm only about thirty pages in, but finding the book overall very helpful and yes-- even inspiring. The subject line is a title from a chapter on resistance, and just the title, and the meaning accompanying it, brought an issue of mine to the forefront of my mind. It goes like this:

Katagiri Roshi has a wonderful term: "fighting tofu." ... It is dense, bland, white. It is fruitless to wrestle with it; you get nowhere.

The author is talking about mental resistance when trying to write, here, and after a few more paragraphs she ends the chapter with a list of things she does to get herself writing when she might not feel like it otherwise - positive things, not punitive. I learned to do three out of six on my own; four, if you convert "fill a spiral notebook" with "meet a writing quota," as they're similar, but not exactly the same. There's a reason to do it by hand, with a notebook, but that's not what this is about. What is this about? My realization that I have a pattern when it comes to writing advice, and it's not self-destructive, exactly, but it's also not helpful.

First, the writing advice itself. "Make a workshop appointment with a friend to motivate yourself," or "Write through your blocks, write every day, and someday the words will come no matter when or where you sit down to type," that sort of thing. Things that are true, maybe, possibly, but are phrased in a way that triggers my reflex to back away. I know I'll think of better examples in a day or two; these are lacking and not quite what I had in mind originally.

Then, my reaction: dismissal. Complete, utter shutdown. I don't need that advice. I don't want that advice. I know how to write, and I even know how to make myself write in a bad mood. I don't need somebody telling me to sit down at the same time every morning to work in order to achieve that.

Eventually this comes to bite me in the ass. See here, where I backpedal after years of scoffing at the idea of drafts, or the very idea of needing (or wanting!) to write seven drafts of the same story to get what I want out of the deal.

This happens often. Too often. Calling what I reject "advice" might be a bit off, as it's not always advice that I'm spurning, but the voice of experience, or some similar concept. I've never considered that I might still think of myself as a special snowflake, since in many ways I don't; I know I'm not the best writer ever, I realize I'm socially awkward, I know I'm judgmental of myself and others, etc. I know that sometimes I'm still the worst prima donna. But apparently I didn't realize that I'm resistant to the idea that somebody might know better than I do. I think it comes from my belief that I know my own writing process better than anybody else; by that logic, how can anybody tell me how to work? I'll figure it out on my own!

And I do-- a year later. Maybe two.

All of this occurred to me as I was reading that chapter, Fighting Tofu, and realized that I came to the same conclusions she did about self-motivation, but it took me much longer to do it than it would have simply to read her book - but even if I had read it, I probably would have dismissed the chapter as nonsense, something I didn't need.

So does this mean I'll be learning everything the hard way? Since reading this - and I think the realization has been creeping up on me for a while - I've tried to be more open-minded. Picking up the book at all is an effort to do so. But how many times, I wonder, am I reflexively dismissing things I shouldn't when I'm not aware?

Figuring things out on your own isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes you need to know where that wisdom is coming from. But sometimes it also helps to take advice and avoid unnecessary detours.

Comments

[minerva-one.livejournal.com]

:) I'm glad you like this book, because it is one of my favorites.

Resistance to anything - be it advice, exercise, change, basketweaving, whatever - is the ego trying to protect itself against change. But honestly, I've found (from other areas of my life) that the things I am most resistant to are the things I need most.

I had to have life tear me down to nothing - shitty job, relationship fell apart, no money, no future job prospects - all of that shit hit at once, and there was nothing else for me to do but let go over everything I knew, of everything I thought I was. I hit the reset button, so to speak, and just started listening and stopped fighting the resistance.

It's not easy. But when Goldberg's book came into my life, I recognized that she's traveled some of the same road, so why not borrow her map? ;)

New Age stuff often gets a bad rap because it is an area that is easily abused and misused - but listening to yourself and your own muse isn't really New Age. I just consider it solid advice from someone who has already been there. :)

[myaru.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm liking it a lot more than I thought I would, since she says and does some things that usually rub me the wrong way. It's not perfect, but definitely reassuring and sometimes inspiring.

I suppose my writing crash earlier this year counts as hitting bottom, though man, that's not the way I want to learn to listen most of the time. It did make me change some things that needed changing, though, so I can't say it was completely bad. As for the book... I'm not necessarily following it to the letter, but it might be worth figuring out how to freewrite. I've never been good at that.

[leradny.livejournal.com]

I thought the title looked familiar. Writing Down The Bones helped me with my self-esteem issues, but I am glad it helped you out with something different.

RE learning everything the hard way: As you've been doing, attempt to be open to the sort of advice you've previously rejected--but if you end up figuring something out on your own and find out you could have saved days/months/years of time if you'd just listened to someone's advice don't stress out. It's not wasted time or an unnecessary detour if you learned something at all.

[myaru.livejournal.com]

My own self-esteem problems are a slightly different beast, as they're not related directly to writing, but I can see how this book would inspire (or teach? lead to?) more confidence in one's writing. That message is coming through clearly. It's probably what she was aiming at, being one of the biggest stumbling blocks we run into as writers.

I ... I hate finding out I detoured and took longer to do something. It really gets to me. But looking back, I wasn't ready to take any of this advice a year ago. Even now, I'm still not swallowing it whole, so to speak - my phrasing even indicates I'm skeptical, but that's just me, I guess.

[100-series.livejournal.com]

It's natural to dismiss different ways of thinking. Being aware of it will save you from being too stubborn. I don't really think you're wrong about your dislikes (I pretty much agree with you), but it's good to recognize when your ego is throwing up walls so that you don't accidentally miss something important. It's kind of like when a person won't eat a certain food because they hate it, and won't try it no matter what.

Personally, I it makes a little warning bell go off in my head when people write too much motivation into an instructional book that this person may not know wtf they are talking about. My first reaction is: okay, this writer didn't have enough to say about writing to fill this book, so they are padding it with fluffy speeches.

[myaru.livejournal.com]

You know, I'm proud to say I still hate seafood, even when I try it again and again in the hope that I'll find out I changed my mind. :P

I'm not as dogmatic as the rest of my family, but I hate realizing that I've been dismissing something I really shouldn't have. Everyone wants to be the open-minded person, right? I know it's impossible to be open-minded about everything, but it's kind of a slap in the face when you find out you're actually being an ass in some situation or other.

In this one, I just feel... hm, like I could have avoided some trouble that didn't help me or make me stronger in the long run. Not as far as I can see.

it makes a little warning bell go off in my head when people write too much motivation into an instructional book

I agree. They're two different things - an instructional book should be defining and breaking down technique, while inspiration comes from a different kind of writing. Though, I suppose anybody can find anything inspiring. I just don't think the two work well together in one program.

[100-series.livejournal.com]

XD My fiance won't eat seafood, either! He drives me crazy. But I have always lived on the coast, it's part of how I was brought up to like seafood. And maybe I take fresh, well-prepared seafood for granted because people around here know how to procure and cook it without that yucky bad fish taste getting into it.

[myaru.livejournal.com]

Once you experience that fishy taste, it follows you forever-- if that's the only kind of fish you're exposed to, anyway. XD The fish we had in Seattle was really good, and we can get extremely fresh stuff here as well... but no matter how fresh, it's like I can taste that element that becomes the fishy smell. It lurks in everything.

But, you know. I grew up in a desert. What can you do? Fish are about as far from the environmental standard as you can get. XD

[distorted-r.livejournal.com]

All I can say is self-motivation techniques haven't helped me do jack shit in my life. Yet, I've succeeded in most things anyways. I guess its the hard way as you say.

[myaru.livejournal.com]

Yeah, me either, in general. I figured out my own, and sometimes they end up being the same as the advice I might have received elsewhere (as in this case), but for the most part motivational talk just irritates me. It almost never inspires me.